She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
