No awkward lesbian experiences without me
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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