we have officially lost it.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
