I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Randomize
