Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
