I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Randomize
