fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
