Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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