apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
