Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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