I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
