I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
my shit smells like andre
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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