I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
