I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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