You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
