Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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