Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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