I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
