I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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