He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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