God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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