I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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