i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
