I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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