Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
