the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Life is so much better after having sex.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
