Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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