how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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