we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
you made out with another girl for some wings
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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