Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
