It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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