How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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