First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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