Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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