Jerry, you need to find god
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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