she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
