It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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