Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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