ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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