i need an iv and a liver transplant
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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