sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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