If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
