Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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