Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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