New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
