This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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