At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
