all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Bring me that man meat
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
