2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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