The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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