Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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