Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
3 2 1 whiskey
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
