My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
