I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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