Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
