Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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