the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
